The Fruit of Unforgiveness: 5 Traits Holding You Back (and How to Break Free)
Oftentimes, we don’t even realize we're living in a state of unforgiveness. Our memories store so much in our subconscious—some we’ve inherited, and others we've adapted in order to survive.
Here’s the truth: our minds can pull us into an internal battle, torn between the choice to forgive or hold on to hurt.
As faithful Christian women, we know that the Lord calls us to forgive—not for the sake of our offender, but for our own healing and freedom. One powerful tool that can help you practice forgiveness daily is mindfulness. It’s through mindfulness that we learn to forgive often, letting go of the emotional baggage that holds us back.
What Is Unforgiveness, and How Does It Impact Your Life?
Unforgiveness occurs when you're unable to extend forgiveness to someone because they’ve hurt you, betrayed your trust, or caused emotional pain.
When someone offends you, your inner child often “holds the receipts,” storing the memory deep in your subconscious. This memory is projected into your conscious mind, keeping you stuck in a cycle of unforgiveness. As a result, you relive the hurt—feeling the anger, betrayal, and pain over and over, as if it just happened.
The more you revisit these memories, the stronger the emotions grow, making it harder to break free from the grip of those unresolved feelings.
Christian mindfulness helps you become aware of your triggers without attaching to them. It allows you to hear the thoughts in your mind without becoming consumed by them. With consistent mindfulness practice, you can find freedom from the past and live in the present moment.
How Unforgiveness Impacts Your Christian Walk with God
Believe it or not, unforgiveness doesn’t just affect your emotions and relationships—it also impacts your relationship with God. The more you replay memories of past hurts, the more your view of God’s faithfulness becomes distorted by your human experiences.
Unforgiveness can make you question God’s faithfulness.
Maybe your heart was broken by someone you thought was “the one,” only to discover they were unfaithful. If you don’t reconcile that hurt, seeds of doubt are planted. You may wonder if you’ll ever meet the right person. Over time, this doubt can cause you to question whether God will truly fulfill His promises.
Christian mindfulness helps you stand firm in the assurance that God's promises are unwavering and eternal, enduring from generation to generation (Deuteronomy 7:9).
Unforgiveness distorts your view of God.
When we’ve been wronged, it’s easy to start seeing everything—including God—through the lens of that pain. Whether the offense was committed by others or even by ourselves, it colors the way we interpret life’s situations.
Consider this: when you read your Bible or listen to a sermon, are you truly open to receiving God’s word? Or are your thoughts racing, filtering His truth through the lens of past hurts? This inner turmoil is often the result of your inner child trying to reconcile what’s being said with the wounds from the past.
If you want to learn more about how you inner child projects these memories to your mind, check out the first blog post in this series. Why is it Important to Forgive? The Power and the Importance of Forging Someone
The truth is, God is not a man that He should lie, and there is no deceit in Him or in His Son, Jesus Christ (Numbers 23:19). Because of this, we must not view God or His promises through the filter of betrayal or hurt. He is faithful, unchanging, and good.
Christian mindfulness helps you recognize when your inner child is distorting God’s truth, so you can see Him clearly and trust Him fully.
Unforgiveness makes you feel unworthy of God’s love.
Too often, I hear Christian women believe they must earn God’s love. But 1 John 4:8 tells us that we cannot earn God’s love because, at the core of who God is, He is love. You can’t earn what someone is. Your offenses do not disqualify you from receiving His forgiveness. God extends His love freely because He is love.
Christian mindfulness allows you to rest in the assurance that His love covers your sins, and because of this, you can confidently ask for forgiveness and receive it freely (1 Peter 4:8).
The Fruit of Unforgiveness
The Fruit of Bitterness
Think back to a time when you were treated unfairly—whether by a loved one or at work. How many times did you replay that moment in your mind, revisiting the emotions, perhaps even imagining a different way you could have responded? Bitterness doesn’t just affect you—it seeps into every area of your life and impacts those around you.
Bitterness controls your thoughts. It shapes your emotions. It influences your actions.
Christian mindfulness doesn’t erase the memory, but it allows you to recall the pain without letting it continue to hurt you.
The Fruit of Wrath/Anger
The Bible clearly states in Ephesians 4:26-27 that we can be angry without sinning. Anger becomes sin when it turns into wrath—when it festers and seeks revenge. In Romans 12:19-21, Scripture tells us that vengeance belongs to the Lord. You are not responsible for punishing those who have wronged you.
Christian mindfulness allows you to feel anger without letting it control you. It also reminds you that no punishment you could ever impose would compare to the justice and mercy that God can and will bring on your behalf.
The Fruit of Clamor
Clamor is when you loudly express your hurt, often to the point of shouting, slamming doors, or storming off. As God’s daughters, we are called to show restraint and wisdom in how we handle conflict.
Proverbs 17:27-28 tells us that even fools are considered wise when they keep silent. By choosing restraint, we reflect God’s grace. Christian mindfulness helps you be even-tempered and hold your peace, even when emotions run high.
The Fruit of Slander
Slander occurs when you misinterpret the facts or embellish a story to make your offender seem worse than they are. When you hold on to unforgiveness, you’re often tempted to speak ill of others—sometimes unintentionally. Psalm 101:5 warns us that those who slander will face great destruction.
Christian mindfulness helps you discern the difference between facts and opinions, so you can stop harmful words before they leave your mouth.
The Fruit of Malice
Pride can breed malice. I’m not talking about the healthy pride that comes from accomplishing something meaningful, but the kind of boastful pride that breeds resentment, envy, and jealousy. These emotions can quickly turn into malicious thoughts and intentions.
In Titus 2:2-6, we’re warned about living for our passions, as this leads to malice that brings hatred to ourselves and others. When we feel entitled or that others owe us, malicious thoughts follow.
Christian mindfulness helps you shift your mindset, allowing you to let go of pride and embrace God’s plan for your life, knowing that all the blessings He promised are still available to you.
How to Break Free From Unforgiveness
You may be wondering how you got to this point. I know I’ve been there too. As I struggled with unforgiveness, the Lord revealed memories from my past—both from my family and the culture around me. The truth is, culture often teaches us to express anger in destructive ways: walking around with an attitude, slamming doors, or even throwing things. Don’t believe me? Turn on any reality TV show, and I rest my case.
But that’s not how God wants His daughters to respond. This doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions (because, if I’m honest, that’s often how we get stuck in unforgiveness). What God desires is that we live mindful of our true identity in Christ, reflecting His values.
When you are mindful of who you are in Christ, you begin to see your emotional responses as signals that your identity is being tested. That’s when it’s time to recalibrate.
Ask yourself:
How does the daughter of a King respond to this situation?
How would my Heavenly Father handle this situation?
When you root your identity in being a daughter of the King, rather than a victim constantly defending herself, you’ll find yourself growing less angry and more at peace. This is how you begin to live a softer, more Christ-centered life.
Next Steps
Forgiveness may feel impossible because of the pain you’ve endured. It’s similar to a dormant volcano—emotions may be inactive for now, but they’re waiting for the right trigger to erupt.
The first step to freedom is increasing your awareness of the emotional “fruit” you may be living in. This is something I’ll guide you through in my Conviction to Action complimentary Bible study. In this study, I walk you through my 3-step process, helping you discern your next steps after you experience conviction from God.
Conviction to Action Free Bible Study
